Postmortem Sports: A Record for the Ages, by Wilt Chamberlain
A Record For the Ages
By Wilt Chamberlain, entered the great pie in the sky, October 1999.
Hello ladies. It’s been a long time. Too long, you ask me. What you been up to girl? What? I been tryin’ to call you, I just been busy, you know. Well because I’m dead. You right baby, that ain’t no excuse for a man like me but I’m back now and I’m ready to give you that supernatural kinda loving I know you need. So just sit back, relax, and listen to Wilt wax all kinds of philosophical on you.
There are a lot of records going down in basketball history these days. Just a couple months ago Ray Allen broke the all-time 3 pointers made record. Kobe Bryant is climbing up the all-time scorer’s list like some kind of angry, freakish spider-monkey, and Derrick Rose is about to becoming the youngest MVP in the history of the game.
Yes ma’am, it’s an exciting time to be a fan. You can count me included, even though I do enjoy myself a good game of volleyball now and then, and a good twelve-hour bedroom marathon even more than that, but that’s another story. Or is it?
With all these historical records falling I can’t help but think of my own personal achievements and how they’ll stand up to the test of time. You may have heard that I scored 100 points in a single game back in the day. You didn’t baby? Oh, well. I did. But that’s not important really. To be honest the whole thing was kind of silly. Half way through the game my team started fouling the other team just to get it back to me faster so I’d have a chance at the centennial mark. It was a silly game in a silly time, but that record’s still standing to this day.
But the real record I’m proud of has nothing to do with on-court exploits. I didn’t practice in any gym for it. My height or my strength didn’t have anything to do with it. Well, maybe a little bit.
The record I’m talking about is perhaps the most impressive feat that any man has ever accomplished. I’m talking about a lifetime of 20,000 women laid down and treated just right by the big WC. You don’t believe me, baby? Well, that’s too bad. But a man like me doesn’t have to worry about what other people think. I know it happened, and so do some 20,178 special ladies, and that’s all that matters. Yeah. I counted. You would too.
These days NBA players have women throwing themselves at them constantly. As soon as they step off the bus they have beautiful women, ugly women, fat women, slutty women jumping all over their bones and they have their pick of the lot. So yeah, one day the unthinkable might happen. Somebody might break my record, but you best believe it ain’t the same baby.
In my day even a famous athlete had to mack. They didn’t just drop into bed with you the minute you mentioned your name; you had to work for it. Shoot, if I had the opportunities these boys got today I would have damn near broken 40,000.
So let me just say to you, young fella. Numbers is one thing. Numbers come and numbers go. However, a real man has to work for his meal, and that’s something you can never take away from me. So long ladies- I’ll be seeing you again in that big bright pie in the sky. Good night.
Postmortem Sports is a new Heated Forest Column from Chicago-based author Tim Weaver.